Because I'm Just Trying To Be Free

In my head I fear that everybody who "loves" me, has "plans" for me in their head.

They want me to do or be something. Nobody is just content with what I am or what I provide. They either want more or less or something different...

All I really want is somebody who will love me with an unconditional love and acceptance.

But I try... I try to be good enough, but despite that effort I never actually meet anybody's standards. I'm still... just me

Everybody cares, everybody understands
Yes everybody cares about you
Yeah and whether or not you want them to
It's a chemical embrace that kicks you in the head
To a pure synthetic sympathy that infuriates you totally
And a quiet lie that makes you wanna scream and shout
...

- Elliott Smith from Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands

This isn't to say I don't want to make all those people happy. I really do. I want to give them all what they want, but sometimes I can't. That's why it tears me up so much. In fact, these days I'm continually baffled by people's kindness because I don't believe I deserve it. I question everything positive, but accept everything negative.

I delete the positive reviews in my head. I erase loyalty and magnify the critics...

I'm so worried about being naive that I've become even worse, I've become jaded.